What Addiction Exactly did I have?
I think my addiction to heroin was intertwined with my addiction to Luke. I thought they were both the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and I thought I couldn’t live without either one ever again.
My relationship with Luke moved quickly, and soon he had moved into my place with me. I didn’t question why a guy in his twenties would need to live with a teenager, not even of college age. I was so in love and excited to be living with my brand new boyfriend. That would show my mom! I was only 16 and thought I had it all – a job, a live-in boyfriend, and my own apartment.
And thanks to heroin, I didn’t have to feel the pain of my mom’s rejection or the fear of what would happen to me since I wasn’t following the traditional educational path of my peers.
From that first night in the bar, I loved the feeling of being high on heroin. It was like this inexplicable rush of joy, followed by a comfortable numbness. I didn’t have to feel anything I didn’t want to feel.
I didn’t like the smell of smoke and was paranoid that we would set my apartment’s smoke alarm off. When I complained to Luke, who had been scoring heroin for us to smoke every night when I got home from work, he said he had an idea.
We started shooting up. I was hesitant at first, but when Luke showed me how to do it, demonstrating on himself, I thought it was a much more neat and efficient way to get high without worrying about the neighbors complaining.
And so, that’s how my days were spent: get up, go to work, skin crawling and sweating anxiously til I could finally get home to my two loves, my boyfriend and my needle, then get high and watch TV and make love until we passed out.
I think Luke had a job, or somewhere he went during the day, but again, I was so in love with him I didn’t question it and was so high most of the time I was home I barely noticed his comings and goings.
I should have been paying better attention because I found out Luke was cheating on me.
I came home after work one day, and he was in our bed, with another guy.
Luke saw that I came in, and instead of panicking or trying to explain, he simply offered for me to join in, and offered me a needle as well.
I freaked out, throwing things, telling both men to get out of my apartment.
The next few months I lived in prostration. I ate little and lost many customers due to poor performance. All the time I just was thinking about Luke and me and what happened.
One day I wondered if this had happened before and this mind really scared me a lot, – something pushed me to went to Planned Parenthood for STD testing.
The test results revealed I was HIV positive.